How to Make New Friends as an Adult

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How to Make New Friends as an Adult

Holly Gort • January 5, 2022

I just moved to a new city, and I’m struggling because I don’t know anyone here. I don’t have any friends yet, and I’m not sure how to change that. Sometimes I look around at groups of girls and think, “I feel like I would fit in with them!” But how do I actually start the conversation? I feel awkward and lonely, and I’m wondering if you have some advice for making friends as an adult in a new city. Hey, friend! First, thank you for being so brave and asking this question! I know you feel so lonely right now, but believe me, you’re not alone. In fact, I was in your exact same shoes just a few short years ago. Just moments after our wedding, my new husband and I packed up everything we had and moved to Nashville, TN, a town where I didn’t know a soul. It was a total whirlwind —exciting and terrifying all at once. I was so excited to be married to Carl, and I was excited to start a new life in a new city, but I quickly found myself in one of the loneliest seasons of my entire life. That’s the thing I didn’t realize. I didn’t realize you could be newly married to the love of your life and also lonelier than you’ve ever been. I didn’t realize that a husband couldn’t possibly fill my need for great friends. And I also didn’t realize that making new friends in a new city was going to be so hard. I remember looking around at church, thinking, “There are all these cool people here who could be my friends! But how do I go from shaking hands during the awkward ‘greet your neighbor’ part of the church service to having that girl’s number? Or feeling close enough to call her up for a spontaneous girls night on a rainy Friday?” It took some time, but I learned that the best thing to do was simply show up. Easier said than done, right? But truly, after trying and failing (for longer than I care to admit!), I finally realized that the secret to making new friends as an adult can be summed up in those two words: Show up. Here’s how we can put these words into action…

SHOW UP IN A NEW SITUATION OR PLACE.

If you want to meet new people, the very best way is to show up in a place where people you haven’t met yet are going to be hanging out! So the first step I took was finding some of those places. I did a quick Google search for churches, organizations, clubs, and classes in my area. I was surprised at how many options and opportunities there were. I think you will be too! Once I’d found some options, I took my next step. I picked the church I wanted to try, and I went. And yes, I know that is so much easier said than done. Trust me, I was SO intimidated to take that step. I think we all are! It may look like everyone else in the room is confident and sure, but the truth is, most of us are scared. Most of us are unsure. Most of us don’t feel comfortable walking into a room full of strangers. Most of our armpits are doing their best Niagara Falls impression. And that realization helped me a lot. We’re all there, feeling awkward, doing the best we can. But when we show up, before we know it, those strangers start to turn into friends. So, friend, that’s the first thing I learned. Step one is to show up in a new situation or place. Where can you show up this week? Where can you meet the kinds of people you want to be friends with?

SHOW UP CONSISTENTLY.

The biggest mistake I first made was showing up somewhere once, feeling awkward, and then deciding I wasn’t going to show up in that place again. I’d just give up! But making new friends takes time, intentionality, and consistency. (What a bummer, right? I wish it was a one-time thing!) The more often you show up, the more your odds grow for making a new friend. One really does lead to the other. When I needed friends in Nashville, I turned it into a little game for myself. I love lists, so I made a checklist. (I can get myself to do anything if it’s on a list!) I told myself I needed to ask one person to coffee every week. Would the first coffee date be awkward? YES! The second? A little less awkward. And by number four? Maybe I’d start to feel like I had a friend. So if checklists work for you, make a list! Every time you check off a box, you know you’re closer to having friends who are your people —the comfy pants friends, the ones who really know you and love you — at your best and at your worst.

SAY YES. SHOW UP WHERE YOU’RE INVITED.

Oh, this was a tough one for me. Let me tell you, I am a professional at Netflix and chill. I really am! But for a long time, that kept me from forming the kinds of connections I wanted. It was too easy for me to stay home in my comfy sweats and messy bun. It was easy to shrug off invitations because I didn’t want to get dressed up, put on makeup, and put on my shiniest, brightest smile for people I didn’t know well. (It can be exhausting! ) I can remember one time when I told one of my new girlfriends I’d be at her birthday party. It was a freezing December day in Nashville, and I could feel myself getting sick. I wanted to skip out—and I had a legitimate reason! But I talked myself into going. And I’m SO glad I did. A few things happened. First, I grew closer to the birthday girl. Because when we show up for each other, even if we don’t already have a deep connection, our friendships grow. That night I learned that having better friends often starts with being a better friend. Good friends show up for each other! (And they definitely don’t flake out at the last minute.) Oh, and another amazing thing happened at that party: I met two new girls who I totally hit it off with! I would have missed out on so much if I had decided not to show up that night. I didn’t know if then, but I’d just done one of the biggest things I could do for my loneliness: I got off the couch and said yes to showing up.

BE VULNERABLE. SHOW UP ON THE BAD DAYS TOO.

When my dear friend Hanna and I were just getting to know each other, she invited me to lunch. I was so excited for a chance to get to know her better, so I said yes immediately. But when the day of the lunch arrived, I was having a bad day. It was terrible timing. My company was in the middle of total upheaval: people were losing their jobs, feelings were hurt, friends were angry… heck, I was angry about it all too! The thought of showing up to lunch with a smile on my face felt impossible. So instead pretending I had it all together, I was honest with her. I even cried. And you’ll never believe what happened. Well, maybe you will believe it, but I remember being so surprised. Instead of being put off by my anger and sadness, Hanna got angry and sad with me. She got mad on my behalf. She cried with me. Instead of looking down on me or backing away, she got down into the mess with me.

A week later, I got a note from her. In the note, Hanna thanked me for opening up to her. She said she felt honored. She said she was so glad we were friends. Vulnerability brings us closer. It gives us the chance to say, “This friendship is a space where you don’t have to be perfect. Your imperfections are welcome at this table. There’s a place for you here. I know this because I’m a mess… you’re a mess… so we can be in this mess together.” Friend, if you are struggling to find friends, know that you are NOT alone. I know this is tough, but I’m sitting here in Nashville today as living proof that you can make new best friends (that will soon feel like old friends) no matter where you are, no matter what season you’re in, no matter how scared or awkward or lonely you feel right now. It can be done. You’ve got this!

~This blog is from Stephanie May Wilson who also has a great podcast called Girls Night! Here is her website - check it out!

If you’d like to hear more stories and tips of making friends as an adult, here are the perfect resources to for you! Listen to Stephanie's sweet friend Kaitlin talk about her friendship journey in this Girls Night episode !

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By Written by Lindsey Maestas • December 5, 2022

When we were first married, the holidays were a really stressful time for us. We went to 5 different Christmases at 5 different houses. We wanted to spend as much time as we could with our family, and we didn’t want to disappoint anyone, so we made it happen. We were trying our best, but as soon we had to leave somewhere, there was always at least one comment that made us feel guilty. We knew that they intended well, and we truly are thankful that our family loves us enough to want us around. But we would still leave the house feeling so discouraged because, in reality, Jesse and I had spent absolutely no time alone together; we were simply trying to accommodate everyone else. Then we hit a turning point. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Our son Sutton was 1 1/2 years old and we rushed home a ridiculous number of times to pick up food and gifts to take to the next house. And then the next house. And then the next. Jesse decided on our final trip home that night that he pretty much despised the holidays and it made me so sad. He had always loved and looked forward to them when we were dating. We were stressed out with each other and far from ‘merry.’ And honestly, that day had looked so much different than what I had dreamt of time and time again as I imagined celebrating my son’s first real Christmas. When we finally came home for the night, it was completely dark. Sutton’s toys were piled up, untouched, in the corner. He didn’t get to open or play with anything that day and he was passed out by the time we got home. Our house was a disaster because I had rushed to cook and bake everything for each house and didn’t have time to clean before we left. We also spent an inordinate amount of money on 19 kids, 10 siblings and 3 White Elephant parties. We were completely exhausted, frazzled and frustrated. It was in that moment when we both realized that, although we both desperately love our families, we are our own family now. We have to set healthy boundaries in order to invest in and nurture this little family we have created – even during the holidays. Jesse and I have always clung to this verse in our marriage, but somehow forgot to implement it into the holiday season: “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24 We are our own family now. And while it is absolutely crucial for me to teach Sutton that Christmas is about Jesus and loving and serving others, I also don’t want to create strife or forfeit our family principles to people-please or to simply fulfill society’s standard of what Christmas is supposed to look like. We love being generous and we love giving gifts. It is one of our favorite things to do as a family. I love making all of the holiday food (like our famous cranberry jalapeno dip! ) We also absolutely adore spending time with our families, and we look forward to a time of relaxation with them every single year. But, you guys, when we spread ourselves so thin, neither we, nor our families, actually get that relaxation. We are so busy and exhausted that they actually get very little of our energy or attention. Every family is different, and every family has unique boundaries. In our family, we personally still do our best to see everyone because we really do love it. However, now, we have split the days up. The timespan spent at each home is shorter and we don’t allow guilt to consume us if we can’t make it somewhere. Sweet friends, I want you to consider this. When you exceed your budget by hundreds of dollars, simply to fulfill America’s expectation of giving a gift to everyone in your family (which they will likely take to Goodwill in 6 months), you are forfeiting your boundaries and possibly making an unwise financial decision for your own little fa mily. When you and your spouse are at one another’s throats because you have to put on a false smile for your in-laws who you swear have it out for you, you are sacrificing the health of the one you were intended to cling to for the family that you were intended to separate from after you said, ‘I do.’ Here’s what I’m not saying: I’m not saying that you should say ‘no’ to everything and everyone. Scripture reminds us that those who are faithful in very little are also faithful with much. I’m not saying you shouldn’t buy gifts. We are called to be generous with the money that we have because ultimatel y it is God’s, not ours. I don’t necessarily equate that verse to giving gifts on Christmas, but I do think there is something special about the joy that comes from placing presents under the tree for those we love. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t make small sacrifices to spend time with your husband’s family or that he shouldn’t spend time with yours. Philippians 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” It is important to place your spouse’s needs above your own and to place other people (even extended family) above your own needs as well. Our reward for doing so may not ever come on this earth, but they will be waiting for us in heaven. I encourage you to love your extended family so well throughout the entire year that the holidays aren’t a question of whether or not your family is important to you, simply because you can’t attend one Thanksgiving dinner. Here’s the thing: Jesus has given YOU freedom. Even on the holidays. This year, let us leave behind the obligation and lie that we need to be all things to all people. Instead, let’s focus on honoring God with our lives while clinging to our own little families during the holiday season. Slow down. Go to church or make a cup of hot cocoa and enjoy the day inside with your little family. Simply do your best to lo ve and serve those around you without allowing pressure or obligation to consume you. And most importantly, spread true joy and the love of Jesus with those you come across. It might even be a lot easier this time around because you’ll be rested enough to do so. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!

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